Why Grandparents Think You’re Doing Everything Wrong (And How to Set Boundaries Without Starting a War)
Generational Clashes, Gentle Power Moves, and Keeping Your Sanity Intact
Your toddler’s still rear-facing, you skipped rice cereal, and no, you’re not letting them cry it out. Cue the sigh, the side-eye, and the ever-popular: “We didn’t do that and you turned out fine.”
If the support you hoped for is morphing into unsolicited advice, subtle judgment, or flat-out boundary stomping by your parents or in-laws who’ve “been there, done that,” there’s something you can do about it. Keep reading to find out how to protect your peace while dealing with grandparents who think they’re co-parents.
In this article:
Why They Think You’re Doing It All Wrong
1. Their Blueprint Worked (In Their Eyes)
2. Information Overload Looks Like Paranoia
3. The Control Dynamic Has Shifted
How to Set Boundaries Without Setting Off a Family Bomb
1. Validate, Then Pivot
2. Avoid the Debate Trap
3. Use the “Ask for Support” Strategy
4. Set Non-Negotiables and Flex Zones
5. Enforce with Calm, Not Combat
6. Expect Pushback and Hold the Line Anyway
Respect Is a Two-Way Street
Why They Think You’re Doing It All Wrong
Every parent needs backup. But let’s not all support is helpful. Sometimes, the people who are supposed to lighten the load end up dragging their outdated playbook into your house and calling it love. Grandparents can be the village or they can be the loudest critics in it.
You can mix the best of both eras and still have people act like you’re ruining childhood. If unsolicited advice has been wearing you down, I wrote a whole guide on how to handle it without losing your cool.
1. Their Blueprint Worked (In Their Eyes)
They raised kids without sleep schedules or gentle parenting. They were winging it in an era with fewer options, fewer labels, and zero social media pressure. So, when you start tracking naps or explaining sensory regulation, it can land like a personal critique, like you’re implying they did it wrong.
What they’re really reacting to:
They’re uncomfortable with change, so they call it “overthinking.”
They confuse adaptation with over-parenting.
You’re raising your kid to express emotions they had to swallow.
My husband and I say we’re raising our son like it’s the 1980s because we don’t agree with all modern parenting practices. He watches TV, he eats sugar, and he doesn’t have a bedtime routine.
But at the same time, we’re not doing the old-school stuff that doesn’t hold up: we don’t spank, we don’t ignore his needs for the sake of “independence,” and we are more mindful about what goes into his body because we’re living in a world with millions more chemicals than what we were exposed to as kids.
2. Information Overload Looks Like Paranoia
To them, we’re drowning in rules. Everything today has a warning label, a banned ingredients list, or social commentary. They didn’t Google every rash. Not because they were more chill, but because they couldn’t. The resources simply didn’t exist.
Why they think you’re overdoing it:
You read labels; they handed out Lunchables.
You limit screens; they used TV as a babysitter.
You say “overstimulated;” they say “tantrum.”
We’re not living in our parents’ generation anymore, and we sure as hell don’t need to drag their antiquated ideas into our children’s futures. Especially if they’re trying to stuff your kid into their dusty little gender box.
3. The Control Dynamic Has Shifted
This is the big one. They used to be the center of the parenting show. Now they’re background characters. That transition can be hard. Especially when their experience doesn’t seem to hold up decades later.
Why the power struggle is real:
It used to be their roof, their rules. Now it’s your house, your boundaries, and they can’t quite fathom that shift.
They feel left out, so they try to take over.
They never learned boundary language, so yours feel like exile.
If their version of “helping” feels more like micromanaging, it’s unsustainable. You’re building something new, not performing a revival tour of their parenting era. You deserve to feel confident in your parenting without the guilt trip.
How to Set Boundaries Without Setting Off a Family Bomb
You’re allowed to draw a line. You have to. Because the goal is protecting your family. Boundaries aren’t mean. They’re maintenance. So how do you shut the door on chaos without slamming it? Like this:
1. Validate, Then Pivot
You don’t have to agree, but you can acknowledge. Try:
“I know you did what you thought was best when I was little. I’m doing the same, just with newer info.”
This affirms their experience while making it clear that the final call is yours.
2. Avoid the Debate Trap
This is not a TED Talk. You don’t need to turn your parenting into a defense argument.
Use:
“This is what we’ve decided.”
“We’re comfortable with this.”
“Our pediatrician recommended it.”
End of sentence. No PowerPoint. No guilt spiral.
3. Use the “Ask for Support” Strategy
Sometimes, people want to feel useful. Instead of correcting them mid-interference, redirect the energy. Yes, like you do with your toddler.
“It means a lot when you help him stick to his nap schedule. He sleeps better and we all win.”
You’re enforcing your rule… just wrapped in a compliment.
4. Set Non-Negotiables and Flex Zones
Not everything needs to be a battle. Draw a hard line where it counts (health, safety, your values) and let smaller stuff slide.
Rear-facing car seat? Non-negotiable.
An extra cookie after dinner? We’ll live.
5. Enforce with Calm, Not Combat
Boundaries don’t work if you never say anything when they’re crossed.
“We’ve asked you not to do that. If it happens again, we’ll have to change how we do visits.”
It’s uncomfortable. But not as uncomfortable as 18 years of simmering resentment.
6. Expect Pushback and Hold the Line Anyway
Boundaries feel threatening to people who never had them. That’s not your problem.
Stay consistent. Stay calm. And remind yourself: peacekeeping doesn’t mean self-sacrificing.
Respect Is a Two-Way Street
You can love your parents or in-laws deeply, honor what they did, and do things differently. You’re allowed to build a family culture that reflects your values, your research, and your intuition. Even if Grandma thinks it’s nonsense.
Want more support? Start here:
Why Grandparents Don’t Respect Boundaries from More Than Grand, resources for grandparents.
Setting Healthy Boundaries with Grandparents – from The Gottman Institute for a research-based approach to relationships.
