The “Having It All” Myth Hurts Women

Wanting It All Is Normal. Killing Yourself to Have It Isn’t.

There’s this ideal of womanhood that promises it all—successful career, happy kids, beautiful house, loving partner, sexy body, inner peace—all managed with a smile. She has it all because she does it all.

It’s not wrong to want those things. But the belief that we’re supposed to have them all, all the time, without help or rest is a setup. It’s keeping too many of us overwhelmed, exhausted, and convinced we’re the problem. You’re not. You just weren’t meant to live like this, and you don’t have to.

In this article:

The Cost of Trying to Have It All

This Expectation Isn’t Pushed on Men the Same Way

Coming to Terms with What’s Actually Possible & Loving Your Life

What You Can Do Instead

You Deserve to Feel Good in Your Own Life

This post was inspired by the prompt, “What unrealistic expectation can I let go of today?” from the Burnout Recovery Journal for Moms, a downloadable resource designed to help you reconnect with yourself.

The Cost of Trying to Have It All

“You can have it all” gained major traction in the 1980s, thanks to Helen Gurley Brown’s Having It All: Love, Success, Sex, Money Even If You’re Starting With Nothing. It began as an empowering movement to expand what was possible for women; to build the life they wanted across every domain.

But over time, it became a mental health trap disguised as ambition. The unrealistic expectation to do it all:

• Creates a constant hum of inadequacy.

• Builds resentment in your relationships.

• Is exhausting and unsustainable.

• Fuels guilt that follows you from room to room.

• Makes your existence about what you produce or provide.

Many women, especially mothers, are falling apart because we’ve been told rest is indulgent, asking for help is weakness, and having needs makes us less lovable. And the biggest lie of them all: Other moms seem to handle it just fine.

If the invisible load of trying to manage everything is breaking you down, you might relate to No One’s Coming: The Real Cost of Motherhood Without a Support System.

This Expectation Isn’t Pushed on Men the Same Way

The pressure doesn’t weigh equally. Men are allowed to focus on one thing without being judged for everything else.

If he’s succeeding in one area, usually work, that’s often seen as enough. No one’s hovering over him telling him to excel at work AND be full-time caregivers AND manage the household AND look hot doing it.

Meanwhile, women are expected to be:

• High-achieving

• Endlessly nurturing

• Emotionally available

• Mentally organized

• Physically attractive

• Supportive of their partners

It’s not just a double standard. It’s an impossible one.

This isn’t about blaming men individually. It’s about naming the system. Because if we don’t, we start internalizing the failure as personal. Like we’re the ones falling short when we’re just playing a rigged game.

If your partner isn’t stepping up and you’re tired of waiting for that to change, this might help, Happier Without Help: How to Cope When Your Partner Won’t Help With the House or Kids.

Coming to Terms with What’s Actually Possible & Loving Your Life

You’re not giving up on yourself by letting go of the fantasy. Instead, you’re creating a life that’s actually livable.

No one is nailing every category at once. Not even the influencers who look like they do. There are reasons why their life appears perfect (but probably isn’t).

• If you’re focusing on your kids, your career might be on pause.

• If your relationship is in a good place, your social life might be non-existent.

• If you’re feeling confident in your skin, your house might be a disaster.

There’s always a tradeoff. The trick is being intentional about what matters right now.

Start by asking:

• What am I constantly chasing that never feels done?

• What am I doing out of pressure, not desire?

• What have I been treating as essential that actually isn’t?

Then, let those things slide. On purpose. Stop pouring energy into the impossible standard.

What You Can Do Instead

You don’t have to stop dreaming big, but you do have to stop letting those dreams crush you. There’s a massive difference between an ideal and a livable reality. The ideal can inspire you. But the realistic version is what will actually carry you through the day without breaking down.

Here’s what that can look like:

• Redefine success. Parental success might be staying calm, patient, and fully present every time your kid needs something. Or maybe it’s not yelling when you’re overstimulated.

• Ask for help. The longer you pretend you don’t need support, the more isolated and angrier you’ll feel. Whether it’s your partner, your friend, a neighbor, or someone you pay, accepting help is a power move.

• Rest before you’re desperate. If your body or mind (or both) is screaming, “I can’t keep this up,” you’re allowed to take a break because you’re human.

• Stop performing. You don’t have to curate your life to make it look more manageable than it is. The more authentic you are, the more space you create for others to be real too, including your kids.

You Deserve to Feel Good in Your Own Life

What if having it all didn’t mean doing everything perfectly? What if it meant waking up without dread, moving through the day without resentment, and going to bed without guilt? That version of “all” might not look flashy, but it feels a hell of a lot better.

Start by redefining what a full, meaningful life looks like for you. It might include more rest. Less pressure. Real connection. More “good enough” days and fewer meltdowns behind closed doors.

You can still have it all. Just make sure it includes your peace.

And if you want to see that the grass isn’t always greener, here are how 8 women approached dealing with the mental load.