The Struggle with Unsolicited Parenting Advice
Unsolicited motherhood advice is the well-meaning but often irksome chorus of voices offering tips on diapering, feeding, and, yes, the perpetual battle of whether your baby needs socks.
From the moment the pregnancy test reveals that life is about to change, it seems everyone has an opinion on the best way to raise your child. Dealing with unsolicited parenting advice is a rite of passage for new parents. Whether it's from family members, friends, or even strangers, the flood of opinions can be overwhelming.
So, let’s explore strategies for handling advice from various sources. From navigating input from parents to politely responding to friends without kids, these tips will help you maintain your sanity and confidence amidst the sea of suggestions.
In this article:
Why Does Motherhood Advice Make Me So Angry?
Dealing With Unsolicited Advice Starts With Realizing Their Intention
How To Respond With Unsolicited Parenting Advice
How To Deal With Unsolicited Parenting Advice From Various Sources
Why Does Motherhood Advice Make Me So Angry?
Many new moms wondering why this deluge of suggestions triggers such a visceral reaction. The short answer: because you’re want to be a good mom.
Almost all new moms have the overwhelming desire to be the best mother they can be. Motherhood becomes the epicenter of their world. Every decision, every action is weighed against the relentless pursuit of doing what's right for their child.
So, this coupled with the fear of making a misstep, can turn well-intentioned advice into a prickly issue. Because it's not about the socks; it's about the implied message:
You’re not doing it right.
You’re failing your child.
The advice becomes a magnifying glass, scrutinizing every choice a new mom makes.
Related: Why ‘Good’ Parenting Advice Often Misses the Mark
Dealing With Unsolicited Advice Starts With Realizing Their Intention
Most moms don’t hand out advice because they’re trying to micromanage your parenting. They do it because it’s nostalgia and self-validation all rolled into one. The constant stream of “Here’s what you should do” is less about you and more about them.
Advice from other moms usually comes from:
Reliving their glory days – The newborn phase might have been hard, but it was also when they felt most needed.
Proving they did it “right” – Every tip is a subtle way to reassure themselves their way worked.
Avoiding their own regrets – If they wish they’d done things differently, they’ll push you to make the choices they didn’t.
Needing to feel useful again – If no one’s asking for their input anymore, they’ll offer it up before you even have a chance.
Knowing this doesn’t magically make the advice less irritating, but it can make it easier to hear it without taking it personally. When the tips roll in about swaddling, feeding schedules, or why your baby “needs” socks indoors, remember it’s not an attack on your competence. It’s about them.
But, the advice from non-parents... You don’t need a strategy for handling that. Just treat it like background noise. They have no idea what they’re talking about, and no amount of babysitting their niece or raising a dog makes them qualified to weigh in. Smile if you’re feeling polite, ignore if you’re not. Either way, don’t waste mental energy on it.
How To Respond With Unsolicited Parenting Advice
Listen: Like that old song says, "Be patient with those who supply advice." People think they're helping, so take a breath, listen, and who knows, you might learn something.
Pick Your Battles: Ignore the stranger in the supermarket, but consider your mom's advice. For minor issues, a little flexibility won't hurt, but for the big stuff, stand your ground.
Have Confidence: Trust yourself. You're making decisions for a reason; your values, research, or a mix of both. Stick to your choices, and confidently answer those judgment-laden questions.
Educate Yourself: Arm yourself with knowledge. When questioned, present the facts. Few argue with science, and it reminds them that you're the boss.
Be Firm: Sometimes, you need a firm response. Try "Thanks, but I've got it covered," or the classic "Would you like a coffee?" to gracefully change the subject.
Remember You're the Boss: Seek advice, sure, but remember, you're in charge. It's your life, your kid, and you've got this.
How To Deal With Unsolicited Parenting Advice From Various Sources
From Your Parents:
Navigating unsolicited advice from your parents can be tricky, especially when it comes with a hint of "that's not how we did it." Determine if it's well-intentioned help or disapproval. For the latter, practice polite yet firm communication. Set boundaries to avoid future resentment, and don't hesitate to share updated facts if they're stuck in the past.
From Your In-Laws:
Handling advice from in-laws can be trickier since their parenting choices didn't involve you. Instead of snapping back, turn your frustration into a conversation. Inquire about their experiences with your significant other, and respond with a polite "Thanks for sharing, but we're doing things this way for [baby's name].” If needed, lean on your partner to address their parents one-on-one.
From Parent Friends:
Parent friends might chime in with their experiences, often driven by a desire to help. When met with comments like "Are you really going to do that?" consider agreeing to disagree. Respond calmly, acknowledging differences in parenting approaches. Remember, every baby is different, and using the "all babies are different" card can be a helpful reminder.
From Friends Without Kids:
Well-meaning yet infuriating, friends without kids might offer advice based on what they've heard. Resist the urge to reply with a "Just you wait." Instead, respond with a noncommittal acknowledgment like "Oh, yeah, I've heard of that." Keep in mind they may just be trying to connect with your new world.
Related: How Motherhood Unveiled My Insecurities and Tested My Friendships
From Strangers:
Strangers love engaging new parents, often labeled as the 'mum police.' When faced with comments like "You're putting your child at risk," respond with grace. Politely acknowledge their input with phrases like "I'll bear that in mind" or "Thanks for sharing your opinion, but I know what's best for my baby." If all else fails, suggesting they mind their own business works too.
